Response Paper 2: Puritan Sermon

Brian Cheever

Matt Thomas

Language Arts 11

9/13/07

 

Those Damned Movies…

 

            This is the case of everyone who has ever had a supernatural thought; you are all doomed. Anyone who has so much as considered the idea of magic, even thought of, spoke, or wrote the word “magic,” you are all so damned you don’t even know it. Hell is your destiny. Consider your flesh already melting away in the flames, as you have angered the lord God beyond forgiveness. In other words, everyone’s going to hell, because who the hell hasn’t fantasized about flying, or having superpowers. God will not tolerate that, and those who preach it, revel in the idea of it, or simply engage in it out of curiosity are destined for an eternity in the black pit.

            Those who preach witchcraft, science fiction, science in general, or worlds besides God’s green earth, heaven, or the place you’re all going, hell; you are the worst of God’s creatures. He loathes you, and he loathes himself for creating you; he wishes he could pull an “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and just erase you from his all powerful memory. Alas, he can’t do that, so he will simply turn you over to the black beast who is Lucifer. He will deal with you in ways the lord is too much of a baby to do himself. You have made the lord suicidal by your fantasies. And in hell, you will feel all the hurt, humiliation, and jealousy that you have caused him. And with the lord being that massive, infallible being that he is, that’s a lot of freakin’ pain, o sinner. But you brought it on yourself with that blasphemy.

The lord has specifically condemned those who go by the names JK Rowling, and George Lucas. By now, JRR Tolkein most definitely wishes he had never written those blasphemous Lord of the Rings books, as he is certainly suffering in Hell, with a long eternity before him; that’s right, longer than those evil, blasphemous movies based on his evil, blasphemous books full of lies.

            George Lucas shall suffer most greatly at the hands of the most vengeful lord! As his extensively worshipped science fiction series mirrors the Holy Bible in more ways than one. The only thing God despises more than false worlds not of his own, is when they are portrayed as if they were a testament to his plan! O sinners who partake in Lucas’s blasphemy, you are all but insects walking on an ant hill, with the burning heat waiting to catch up with you and make you burn for your sins of partaking in such drivel.

            Magic is not of the lord’s ways and you shall all endure hell (literally) as a result of your participation in it. To enjoy or fantasize about unholy entertainment is to drop thy pants and unleash a steaming pile of s**t on the lord’s doorstep. And on that note, JK Rowling has done it by chugging seven giant bottles of laxative. You hear that JK, o sinner? You have crapped on the lord! The shameless depiction of broom riding and graphic wand waving in your blasphemous, albeit highly entertaining and well written books, has left a bad taste in his mouth, and as punishment, he will vomit you into the bowels of hell!

            When you are in hell you shall be shown no mercy. Those who I named will be living in hell’s penthouse. The devil may condone the acts of which you have committed to bring this on you, but he delights in the torture and pain that he will inflict on you, and even your bringing of magic into the world won’t end his wrath. And your screams for help shall be ignored by him, as he flips you the middle finger and says “told you so, you sinful jackass!”

 

 Have a nice eternity in the fiery pit.

           

Response Paper 1: American Dream

Brian Cheever
Matt Thomas
Language Arts 11
6 September 2007

My Version of the American Dream

The American dream is something that is debated over constantly, as if there was a specific one. People usually refer to getting rich and famous as the American dream, and the majority of people would argue that that is the truth. However, the American dream is nothing more than a myth. There is no specific American dream, although lazy people have narrowed it down to getting rich and famous. And most people won’t even answer beyond rich and famous. That’s pretty much it. The answer might as well be that their whole family could be brutally killed right in front of them, but as long as they were rich and famous, they’re cool with that.
I have come up with MY vision of the “American dream”. It may reflect others’ visions, but I am writing about my American dream. Yes it does involve being rich and famous, but that’s not what it all comes down to. I’m going to admit to being a total hypocrite here. However, I want to be rich and famous for some very specific reasons, and currently won’t settle for anything else. There are many things that can get you rich and famous, but that you wouldn’t be happy doing. This is what would make me happy.
The first thing would be for me to make a movie. And not some big, loud, blow-the-hell-out-of-everything-in-sight action blockbuster that’s all about the star and the special effects. I mean, you ask anybody about Mission Impossible 3, the only name involved with that that they’d know is Tom Cruise. Nobody cares who directed those movies, as in, made the movies everything they were. No. A movie where the star gets all the credit is not what I’m out for. I’m talking about a FILM. A real film, one that stirs up some controversy, makes a big scene at a film festival, or simply one where the careful direction and methodic pace upstage even the biggest stars. I mean look at Pulp Fiction. John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, Christopher Walken. These stars are all box-office gold, and when Pulp Fiction comes into a conversation, the first person to get mentioned is Quentin Tarantino. It also stirred up controversy and made a big scene at a film festival, but when you watch it, you aren’t watching a Bruce Willis movie. You’re watching a Quentin Tarantino film. And that’s exactly what I’m talking about. If I got Tom Cruise in on one of my movies, it wouldn’t be considered a Tom Cruise movie. It would be referred to as a Brian Scott film (I use my middle name on my movies).
Once that movie made it big in theaters, I’d use the money to buy a beautiful house in the Hollywood hills. To be honest, I am not satisfied with my life so far having not grown up there. Currently, I can’t picture myself living anywhere besides that place (or a crappy apartment in Venice Beach if I decided I want to save a little money). Most people would buy a sports car, or at least a really fancy car overall, but not me. The cooler or more luxury a car is, the lower their gas mileage is, and a gas guzzler isn’t worth it no matter how much money you have. They’re just for show. They look cool, and sure they go faster, but where the hell in America is it legal to drive 200 mph anyway? No. A nice Honda Civic (which I currently have), which gets great mileage, is moderately classy, and gets me where I need to go with nice simplicity would do just fine.
I want to get married, and looks aren’t my top priority when it comes to who I marry. As long as she respects my decisions and doesn’t turn into the stereotypical nagging wife you always hear about in redneck comedy, she’ll be fine by me. I won’t go into details now, because I don’t aim for that to happen for a long time, and who knows where my views on that might go.
The topic of kids is an interesting one. The idea of having three kids is apparently synonymous with the American dream, and if that is really what it is, then the whole idea of the American dream is nearly irrelevant to me. I only want one kid. I want to keep my family’s legacy going, but one thing I’ve always had trouble doing is sharing love. If I had more than one kid, I’d find myself picking favorites between them whether I wanted to or not. I want my kid to worship me the way I worship my parents. And it would be a lot easier to pull that off with just one kid.
Those are the biggest details I can truly provide. And to be honest, those pretty much sum it up. If my movies make enough money, I’ll pretty much have nothing going on (save for a few talk-shows and guest appearances), and when I’m not spending time with the wife and kid, I’ll buy copious amounts of DVDs and spend half the night watching two or three movies. Kevin Smith (my personal hero) summed up my dream perfectly when he said “I’m extremely lazy, but sometimes I make flicks.” The comedic masterpiece that is Office Space also sums it up, when the main character said that if he had a million dollars, he’d do nothing. And it makes sense. If you had so much money you wouldn’t need to worry about it, you could pretty much do nothing, and still have plenty of it. That is what I’d be happy doing. I’m at my happiest when I’m sitting around watching movies and eating junk food (most of my money might go into a hospital fund strictly for this purpose).
While the average American states that the American dream is simply getting rich and famous, most of them have no idea what they’d want to do if they did achieve that (aside from buying a big house and a fancy car), let alone how they intend to achieve it. That I think, is why the American dream is considered to mean getting rich and famous, because that’s what it’s narrowed down to. But if everyone took five minutes to put their idea of the American dream on a very detailed paper, people would realize that the American dream doesn’t exist, because it’s always something different, no matter how common the big picture with it is.
By the way, I’ve got to add something. Many people say that Ozzie and Harriet sums up the American dream, but that is not true. It sums up the American stereotype. It depicts where people end up if the whole “rich and famous” thing doesn’t work out completely as planned. I’m just saying, I don’t think the American “dream” is capable of causing a midlife crisis. If I lived like Ozzie and Harriet, only then would I buy a sports car.

The End.